The Right to Reasonable Redbox Access Act of 2013

I guess I missed this little gem. Everyone else in the free world got the memo, but I am still scratching my head. Pursuant to the Right to Reasonable Redbox Access Act of 2013, you are guaranteed in your freedom to access a Redbox machine unhindered by obstacle, social convention, or common decency. Here are some of the finer points.

-It shall be noted that Reasonable Access is defined in the context of this law as direct straight line access to a Redbox machine, not to exceed 20 paces from the nearest paved surface upon which a vehicle can be parked. 

-Under no circumstances should a consumer have to cross perpendicular to a lane of traffic when gaining access to a Redbox machine. This includes parking lot throughways even when posted speed limits are below 5mph and properly marked crosswalks are available.

-You may, in the act of accessing a Redbox station, drive in a manner oppositional to the regular flow of traffic. No summons may be issued for driving the wrong way or for parking in a manner that suggests that the driver was driving the wrong way at the time the vehicle was parked, so long as the driver was doing so to gain access to a Redbox station.

-Barriers that limit access to a Redbox machine or station will be deemed unlawful and no consumer shall be bound by such obstacles. Curbs and low barriers may be driven over to gain access should the consumer deem it necessary or when such obstacle puts the Redbox machine beyond the allowable 20 pace limit.

-Loading zones and fire lanes shall be renamed and re-marked as Multi-Use Fire Dept/Redbox Access Lanes, with Redbox access taking highest priority in the event of a double emergency. No emergency vehicle may attempt to disturb, molest, or relocate a vehicle which is being used for the expressed purpose of accessing a Redbox machine.

-Handicap parking zones may be used by consumers accessing a nearby Redbox station, as under the RRRAA2013, not having a desired movie in your hand has been classified a physical handicap.

-No establishment housing a Redbox machine on its premises may deny entry to a consumer based upon standards of dress or appearance. This includes any No Shoes/No Shirts policies. Such policies are considered unlawful when used to deny a consumer reasonable access to a Redbox machine.

And there you have it. In black and white. Go forth, park on curbs, drive the wrong way, stand in a Walmart lobby with no shirt or shoes, it is your right as a 'Murican.