Kali Ma, the Xiphoid Process, and Batman's Fabled One Touch Insta-kill

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a young child like the threat of instantaneous death. In my case, this fear was embodied in three recurring concepts or ideas: Kali Ma, the xiphoid process, and Batman's fabled one touch insta-kill. There was no better way to reduce me to a blubbering pile of tears than to even mention in passing that you were capable of inflicting any of these upon me. My brothers knew this well and used this knowledge as the ultimate tool in the big brother arsenal. Let's take a look at the origin of these fears, shall we?

First, we have Kali Ma. If you watched Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on BetaMax religiously as a child like I did, then you know full well the power of the phrase "Kali Ma". It's what those creepy skull-hat  wearing fuckers in the Temple of Doom chanted as they pulled the still-beating hearts from the chest cavities of hapless victims of ritual human sacrifice. For some reason, I reckoned that the phrase "Kali Ma" was the source of the power it took to plunge one's hand into a chest. It was simply uttered and some spell was cast upon the flesh of the recipient so that the fingers of a heart snatcher just melted right past ribs and skin, right to the cardiological jackpot. Still, to this day, you are not gonna press fingers to my chest and utter the phrase Kali Ma. I will bludgeon you to death with a tube sock full of tangerines before that goes down. I am a man of science, but I don't fuck with that Kali Ma business.

I don't fox with that Kali Ma business

Number two on the list, which is actually a direct result of number three on the list, is the xiphoid process. This, my readers, if you are unaware, is a small triangle of cartilage that dangles ever so precariously from the base of the sternum. I will admit to you now that I am somewhat of a dunce when it comes to physiology. What I know is very basic. Food in, poop out. Oxygen in, carbon dioxide out. There are some humors that must be balanced, Chi is lingering somewhere about the aura, and diseases are cured by blood-letting. This is my very basic understanding of the human body and it's processes. So, with that in mind, when I was told that a direct poke to the xiphoid process would cause it to dislodge, rupture your heart, and cause instant and excruciating death, I believed it wholeheartedly. I tried to confirm this fact, but my queries led me to multiple Kung-Fu forums which left me with more questions than answers. For the time being, just to be safe, avoid my xiphoid process or you risk the same tangerine sock bludgeoning described in the previous paragraph.

Why is it so goddamned sharp?

Lastly, the basis of my belief in the xiphoid poke, was the Death Touch described in an episode of Batman the Animated Series. In this episode, some ninja dude with mad ninja training is going around Death Touching people (drawing strictly from memory here so don't hit me with crazy accurate Batman hate mail) before Batman intervenes. If I'm not mistaken, there is some wicked sweet scroll with Death Touch instructions, like a papyrus death wikipedia or something, that Batman intercepts in order to fashion a piece of armor that protects the vulnerable chunk of flesh affected by the Death Touch. But, as a child, one needed only to use two fingers and jab about my ribs and torso to instill the fear of instant death in me. Again, crippling tears result. Although, as an adult, I don't really fear the Death Touch of the Batman variety. So, no death by sock borne fruit if you attempt it on me. I mean after all, that is fiction. Batman isn't historically accurate like Indiana Jones. I don't believe any of that Batman hype.