Don't Miss This Investment Opportunity

Run to Target, grab all the Pope John Paul candles you can get your mitts on, and wait. Yeah, just kick back and wait for the value to appreciate tenfold. Maybe even twenty or thirtyfold. At less than two dollars a share, these candles are the only stock you should be investing in. What could possibly go wrong with a stockpile of Pope candles? Nothing. But, these are limited edition, you have to act now. I mean, I know the idea of stockpiling candles sounds stupid, but what if some dude in a magical DeLorean rolled up to you in 1987 and told you to stockpile Michael Jordan rookie cards because they would be worth thousands of dollars apiece in the future? You would probably say "Yeah right, spaceman. A piece of cardboard bearing the likeness of a relative nobody in the NBA is going to be worth thousands? Nice try. Go drive your wire covered DeLorean down the block and harass some other jackass.". But that is because it was too soon to appreciate the future value. I am the spaceman (sans DeLorean). I am telling you that once this new Pope gets settled in and all the JP candles have been burned, you and your stockpile are going to be worth a friggin' mint. Seriously, we are talking about Pope before the Pope candles, two Popes back status. Value should start to climb any day now. So I'll see you at the Antiques Roadshow in fifty years, suckas. I'll be the dude with the Radio Flyer full of OG John Paul candles wearing a gold dookie chain and a jacket made out of Benjamin Frankies. I'm gonna be rich!